After life-shattering loss, Sheryl Sandberg reaches out to others in grief

As one of the best known female executives in the world, Sheryl Sandberg had resources and support when her husband died at 47, but that didn't stop grief from engulfing her and their children. In her new book Option B, Sandberg writes about grief and resilience in the face of adversity, and offers advice for others experiencing personal tragedy. Sandberg sits down with Judy Woodruff.

Self-study activity:
Watch the video and say whether the statements below are true or false.



1. Sheryl Sandberg’s husband died over two years ago.
2. When she returned to work, Sheryl had difficulties controlling her grief in public.
3. After all this time, Sheryl sometimes cries and sometimes feels she can’t control her urge to cry.
4. One of the most difficult things for Sheryl was connecting with people when she went back to work.
5. The tips Sheryl has included in the book are based on her own attitude and behaviour with people going through extreme situations in life.
6. Sheryl’s attitude after her husband’s death was an obstacle for her recovery.
7. It is quite common for a worker to get paid time off work if a close relative is all or has died.
8. Sheryl has been accused of sometimes having a conservative outlook on life.
9. The US is the only developed country in the world without paid maternity leave

JUDY WOODRUFF: Finally tonight, a conversation with Sheryl Sandberg about coping with grief and resilience in the face of adversity.
That’s the subject of a new book in which she writes candidly about a personal tragedy, the loss of her husband, Dave Goldberg.
I visited her at Facebook’s headquarters in Menlo Park, California. Our interview took place nearly two years after Sandberg and her husband went on vacation in Mexico with friends. Sandberg woke up from a poolside nap, saw that Dave wasn’t there, and soon went looking for him.
She found him lying on the floor of the hotel gym next to the treadmill. As they later learned, he had suffered a cardiac arrhythmia. He was just 47 years old.
As the chief operating officer of Facebook, and one of the best known female executives in the business world, Sandberg had all the resources and support one could imagine. But none of that would lessen the grief that engulfed her and their two young children.
SHERYL SANDBERG, Chief Operating Officer, Facebook: In those early days and weeks, it feels like you’re not going to get through a minute, let alone a day.
My biggest fear was that my kids would never be happy again, that their happiness would have been wiped away in that same instant we lost Dave.
There are people who had been through loss and been through real adversity who told me it gets better. And I didn’t believe them.
JUDY WOODRUFF: Ten days later, when she returned to work, it was hard to focus on running a social media giant, with 17,000 employees and more than a billion daily users.
Suddenly, one of the most successful women in business was struggling to hold it together at the office.
SHERYL SANDBERG: When Dave first died, I felt like I was in a void, like I couldn’t breathe, or catch my breath.
I thought at first — I just thought, I’m never going to get through this. I can’t contribute. I can’t even get through a meeting without crying.
JUDY WOODRUFF: A month after his death, she posted a tribute to Dave on Facebook. She wrote about mistakes she had made in the past when friends lost loved ones.
She included advice from a close friend about how to handle a father-son event. Option A, Dave, wasn’t available. Instead, the friend said it was time to grab onto option B. But he used stronger language than that. It became Sandberg’s mantra, and it’s the name of her new book.
SHERYL SANDBERG: There are things you can do, steps you can take to help yourself and your kids recover.
And I learned that resilience, it’s not something we have one set amount of. It’s a muscle, and we build it. And if this helps anyone, even just a little bit, themselves or a friend, then I think I will have found some meaning in this.
JUDY WOODRUFF: Is the book also about helping you get through it?
SHERYL SANDBERG: The book is trying to help other people hear what I couldn’t hear at the beginning.
It does get better. I will always miss Dave. I miss Dave every day. But that feeling of not being able to breathe has passed. I can breathe now. And, sometimes, I think of him and cry, but, sometimes, I think of him and smile. And my children can think of their father and smile. And I want other people going through this to know it’s possible.
JUDY WOODRUFF: “Option B” is not just about Sandberg’s personal journey and loss. It offers ideas and advice for people who’ve experienced their own trauma.
Co-written with psychologist and bestselling author Adam Grant, the book puts a big emphasis on what Sandberg calls the elephant in the room.
SHERYL SANDBERG: It’s not just the loss, or the cancer, or losing a job, or someone in your family going to jail. It’s the silence that surrounds that.
And so, when I lost Dave, I had this overwhelming grief, but also just this isolation I had never felt in my life. I had always felt really connected to my friends, neighbors and family, people I work with.
But when I came back to work, people barely spoke to me. They looked at me like I was a deer in the headlights. And I know they meant well. They were afraid to say the wrong thing, so they said nothing at all.
JUDY WOODRUFF: What’s just one of the ways that people should be able to take away from your experience about how to reach out to someone who’s going through something like this, something traumatic like this, and for those who are going through it themselves, who aren’t accustomed maybe to reaching out, or who aren’t comfortable, for whatever reason?
SHERYL SANDBERG: If you’re trying to help someone who’s facing adversity, the first and most important thing is to acknowledge the pain.
Before, if I had a colleague or a friend who had lost someone, who was going through cancer treatment, I thought bringing it up to them was reminding them. So, I was silent.
Losing Dave taught me how absurd that was. You can’t remind me I lost my husband. I know that every minute of every day. And so, when people said nothing, particularly in the beginning, how are you felt like, how are — how am I? I just lost my husband.
And they were asking. I took that as the standard American I’m supposed to — greeting. I’m supposed to say fine and move on. But they meant it. And when I learned to say, I’m not great, or I’m really sad today, or thanks for asking, I don’t want to talk about it right now, I was letting them acknowledge.
And so it’s really on both sides to acknowledge.
JUDY WOODRUFF: Sandberg also writes about how important it is not to blame yourself.
SHERYL SANDBERG: When Dave first died, I thought it was my fault.
The initial report said he’d died of head trauma from falling off an exercise machine. My brother’s a neurosurgeon, and he told me that wasn’t true.
When we got the autopsy, we realized he had died of a cardiac arrhythmia. But I still blamed myself, and I blamed myself for a long time. But when Adam told me that, because I was blaming myself, I was going to keep my kids from recovering, because I was going to keep myself from recovering, that really helped.
We have to show ourselves compassion, the same compassion we would show a friend.
JUDY WOODRUFF: Sandberg said that, ultimately, family, friends and co-workers, including her boss, Mark Zuckerberg, made a huge difference.
Not everybody may go back to a supportive environment, making it even harder for them. So, what do you say to people who are thinking, how am I going to face co-workers, what if my employer doesn’t give me the time or the space or the understanding that I need?
SHERYL SANDBERG: Yes, we have so much to do to make it easier for people at work.
I’m really lucky. Facebook has great policies. We offer a lot of bereavement leave, a lot of leave of all kinds. And we have done even more since Dave died for people. But we need our workplaces and then our public policy to give people the paid, paid time off they need, because, for a lot of people, if the time is unpaid, they can’t take it.
JUDY WOODRUFF: Sandberg has become increasingly outspoken about the workplace, family life and women’s equality.
Her 2012 book, “Lean In,” served as a call to many women to become more assertive. But, to some, Sandberg’s tone smacked of wealthy white privilege. She was criticized in some quarters for failing to appreciate what single parents and non-traditional families go through.
Now she’s expanded the message to stress the role of government and society in the lives of women.
SHERYL SANDBERG: We are the only developed country in the world, the only one, without paid maternity leave. And we need that, and paid paternity leave, so men and women are equal.
We’re one of the only developed countries without paid family leave. I think a lot about going through everything I went through, and also worrying about paying a basic health care bill, about single mothers who wake up every day in this country and worry about whether they can take care of a sick child, or lose their job that they need, about the minimum wage we have.
Two-thirds of minimum wage workers are women. Minimum wage hasn’t been raised at the federal level in forever. That’s unacceptable.
JUDY WOODRUFF: Unexpectedly, joy is also an essential message in the book. It’s something Sandberg feared she would never feel again.
SHERYL SANDBERG: I thought it would always feel that way. And the sadness is still here, but it doesn’t feel like I’m trapped in a void anymore.
And I have joy, and I have laughter, and I have moments with my kids where we remember their daddy with real joy, and we look at pictures and videos. And I want anyone going through hardship to know that it does get better.
We all have things we can appreciate. We all have moments that we can notice the joy. We all can find gratitude for being alive. And that doesn’t mean that every story has a happy ending, because it doesn’t. But there are things we can do to build resilience in ourselves and each other that make us stronger.
JUDY WOODRUFF: Sheryl Sandberg has not only written this book, “Option B,” about her experience. She’s encouraging people going through tragedy to form support groups to be there for each other.

KEY: 
1F 2T 3F 4T 5F 6T 7F 8T 9T

Talking point: Emotions

This week's talking point is emotions. Before getting together with the members of your conversation group, go over the questions below so that ideas flow more easily when you meet up with your friends and you can work out vocabulary problems beforehand.

Complete these sentences so that they are true for you. Then discuss them with a partner.
1 It brings a lump to my throat when …
2 The most heart-breaking thing I have ever seen was …
3 When I feel a bit down, I …
4 I would be beside myself with worry if …
5 I was overtaken by fear when …

In what situations do you find it easier or more difficult to express your emotions?
Is there anything that helps you when trying to share feelings?
When do you have a hard time expressing emotions?

Rank these factors in order of importance (1-5) for a successful relationship:
sharing the same hobbies and interests
being physically attracted to each other
respecting each other
liking each other’s family and friends
sharing religious and political beliefs

What advice would you give to a young couple about how to manage their different attitudes towards expressing their emotions?

Which of these statements do you agree with?
1 Women are better at expressing their feelings than men.
2 Society doesn’t allow men to express their feelings openly.
3 Women are emotional and men are rational.

To illustrate the topic, you can watch the video How To Talk About Your Emotions and Express Your Feelings

Talking point: Feelings

This week's talking point is feelings. Before getting together with the members of your conversation group, go over the questions below, so that ideas flow more easily when you meet up with your friends and you can work out vocabulary problems beforehand.

• Do you find it easy to talk about your feelings?
• Who do you talk to if you have a problmem?
• What would your do or say if a friend was upset?
• Would it be different if it was a man or a woman?
• What kind of things do you do to cheer yourself up?
• Are you good at sorting out problems?
• When did you last feel exahusted, stressed, furious, pleased, worried, annoyed, disappointed, guilty?
• How often do you hug people / kiss people on the cheeks or lips? 
• How often do you walk arm in arm with people or hold hands / shake hands / touch people on the arm or put your arm round their shoulder?
• Do you do any of these things more often or less often than most people in your country?
• Have you ever been anywhere where they do these things differently to you?

To illustrate the point, you can watch the Speakout video Emotion.



Hello. I’m in a really good mood today. The sun is out and that always brings a smile to my face. How are you feeling today?
I’m feeling stressed due to a lot of work.
I’m feeling quite happy and confident. The weather certainly helps: it’s a bright, sunny day so I’m feeling quite optimistic.
I’m excited about my project for school, we’re doing a documentary on film.
I’m feeling pretty good. I’m feeling good ’cos I’m on a day out with my friend and we’re having a fun time.
Very happy, very relaxed. We have a day off, my wife and I.
I’ve had a good start to my day. I woke up early and I had a good breakfast, so I suppose I’m feeling well-balanced and optimistic about my afternoon.
Today’s a good day. Visiting from New York.
Really good. It’s a beautiful day, the sun’s shining and I’m just wandering about London. It’s nice.
Would you describe yourself as an optimist, or a pessimist?
100% optimist. I think that you always have to look on the bright side. And I know it’s cheesy, but it’s best to think what you can do and not what you could have done.
I think I am an optimist. I think generally I look on the bright side. I hope I see the best in people. I don’t expect bad, you know, disasters or to be let down in things.
I’d say I swing between the two. I mean, I am pretty optimistic about my, myself.
I’m very optimistic. Um, whenever I get in a tricky situation I might get a bit frustrated at first, but I always manage to pull myself through and think of the positives.
I consider myself to be more of a ‘functional pessimist’: I do tend to plan and cater for the worst case, but more often than not I’m then happily surprised when things go well.
Probably an optimist, but I like to be realistic about things and then I’m not disappointed.
I think I’m an optimist.
What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this year?
The best thing that has happened to me in the last 12 months is the success of the business that my wife and I opened in Oxford last June.
The best things that’s happened to me this year is the successes I’ve had in the garden, growing vegetables and flowers.
I got all distinctions, all distinction stars and A*s in my last project in Art.
I went to Canada to visit my father with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago and that was really nice: we got to see lots of amazing sights.
Getting into university. It was really difficult ’cos there was a, like, a lot of applicants, a very high standard and I managed to get a spot.
I met my boyfriend. Well, I didn’t meet him, actually, I met him years ago, but we got together and became a couple, which is good. So, I think that’s the best thing that’s happened this year, for me.
The best thing that happened to me this year was getting a job as a trainee solicitor at a firm in London. I’m really excited about it: it’s very difficult to get into and it’s, like, the culmination of a lot of hard work over a long time. So, I’m really happy about it.

Western Men Look East for Internet Brides

Watch this shocking Skynews report about tens of thousands of Russian and Ukrainian women signing up every year in the hope of getting hold of a foreign husband.

Self-study activity:
Watch the news item and answer the questions below.



1 How much has di Gregorio paid for the Ukraine Romance Tour?
2 What's the ratio of men to women on the tour?
3 Why is Galina fed up with local men?
4 Why are Russian and Ukrainian women so popular on the internet?
5 What are the arguments of the activists who oppose the tour?
6 Why do western men appeal to Russian and Ukrainian women?
7 What does the figure 25,000 refer to?

To check your answers you can read the transcript below.

Jim di Gregorio knows what he wants.
“An old-fashioned girl brought up in a strict family where maybe papa was in charge, so she’s used to a man being in charge. I prefer to be captain of my ship.”
He’s paid two and a half thousand pounds to attend the so-called Romance Tour in Ukraine. His aim, to find a wife. He’s preparing for a social where each western man will be outnumbered by at least seven women.
Galina is equally clear about her intentions. She says she’s waiting for her destiny, cheers her man. Tired of local men who only want to fling she says she’s ready for a family. It’s these traditional values and looks that make Russian and Ukrainian women the most popular and sought-after in the mail order bride market. The social is billed as buzzing, the age gap between male and female participants striking. Flirting aided by translators.

“And you look like a celebrity.”
“She looks like a celebrity.”
Roger doesn’t take long to catch the chase.
“Is she gonna marry me and come to the States?”

And if the conversation fails there are more obvious ways to attract attention. People who run the company say this is just dating. Others say is one step away from trafficking.
“This phenomenon is a variation of prostitution and human trade. It has the same logic in it. Even if they claim the women have chosen this, it’s still the trade of a human being.”

Broadly speaking the idea of women’s independence hasn’t penetrated Ukrainian and Russian society yet. In Moscow the rise of the super-rich has been huge, but there’s still a lingering attitude that western men are the key to wealth and happiness. In Russia 25,000 women every year sign up to marriage agencies. This Moscow agency is unabashed about putting young women with older wealthy western men.
“If the girl is young and pretty why should she sell herself and make a profit? If she’s beautiful, why should she be poor?”
Back in Odessa as if in need of further titillation, the men are treated to a bikini contest. Many of them say they're tired of aggressive and feminist Western women. But for a lot of these young women the West equals freedom - two ideals that down the line could become very much at odds.

Speakout Upper-intermediate: Fears and phobias (trouble)

Do you have any fears or phobias?
How do your fears or phobias interfere with your life?
What fear or phobia would be the most troublesome in the modern world?

Fears and phobias is another installment in the Speakout Videocasts, Longman. This episode is suitable for strong intermediate 2 students.

Watch the video clip and make a note of the answers the people interviewed give.



Now it's over to you. If possible, get together with an English-speaking friend and answer the questions above about yourself. Try and use some of the expressions you heard on the video.

You can read the transcript here.

Speakout Intermediate: Emotion

This is another installment of Speakout Intermediate, from Longman publishers. Make a note of the answers the people interviewed give to the questions below.

How are you feeling today?
Would you describe yourself as an optimist, or a pessimist?
What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this year?



Now it's over to you. If possible, get together with an English-speaking friend or relative and answer the questions above about yourself.

You can read the transcript here.

How to tell someone you are angry

From The Wall Street Journal comes this extraordinary article about an effective way to show those around us that we are not happy with them. The article comes complete with a video and a radio podcast.

These are the opening paragraphs:

Darling, can we talk?

"I know you didn't mean to upset me, but you did. I'd like to clear the air so we can quickly and maturely move on to enjoying our relationship again

Sound familiar? Of course not. In a culture where it's easy to fire off a snippy email or text, most of us have a hard time honestly expressing anger face to face. If someone upsets us, often we shout, stomp off, roll our eyes, refuse to speak to the person or complain to everyone else. Or we kid ourselves that we aren't upset and subconsciously fume—until one day we explode over the seemingly littlest thing.

H/T to Larry Ferlazzo.